time for a recap i guess
so i told you avtar left right?
yeah
that night ajay called (boyfriend of gigi - also in my graduating class) to talk about mpa withdrawl - how he missed india - he is seriously considering going to college there - he wants me to go there too - im not sure - im so unsure about everything - jobs college all that crap
anyways he called and i was kind of watching myself cuz id just read one of those silly things but it wasnt quite so silly cuz most of the things on it were very true - it was things guys want girls to know about them - one of them was that they fall for the girls who they talk to to help them understand their girlfriends - id been thinking how i might talk to him about gigi because theyve been having some rough times recently - i may have if i hadnt read that - he falls for people easily too so i really didnt want that
then when he called the next day i was a little worried to - i tried my hardest not to tease him because when its done with a guy you never know if it seems like flirting - but were good friends and i dont want that to change because im scared
anyways
before he called the second night for some reason i was thinking quite seriously of cutting - i dont know why... i mean i kind of do... im just afraid to admit that im just lonely - i dont want to be attatched to people - and the funny thing is im not really any more disconnected from them as i was a few days ago - none of them lived near me - we all talked online - and we can still do that - and ill talk to them on the phone more probably too - its just... somehow different when theyre in another country - not only that but i miss that school and they get to experience it again and i dont
oy
anyways but i didnt - i was so ready to but then i realized i was tricking myself into thinking it would be a good thing to do and i wasnt thinking right - i searched for something to do - i found a book id been reading but put down and not picked up again - so i picked it up that night - its called "veronika decides to die" by paulo coelho - this guy is an amazing writer - an amazing person - really - read something of his - anything - it may very well change your life - so it changed my attitude quite a bit - then ajay called and we talked and i prayed for avtar and went to sleep
woke up earlyish the next morning - i was going to go for a walk but i couldnt get out - i never can anymore - i used to walk all the time - now i get up early to waste time awake instead of asleep - only reason - but that morning i did some crunches - just to feel like im doing something productive - i want to get in shape - well im a teensy bit sore so i guess thats good...
anyways then i wasted away some more and that night i was so delerious i wrote the strangest email to someone id been procrastinating on writing - not because i didnt want to - im just that lazy - anyways - it was wierd - oh and i answered someones journal 3 times quite strangely... not on livejournal - somewhere else - i didnt come here cuz noone had written back to anything so there wasnt a point
then that night i needed another dose of that book and it didnt seem to be working that time - but i kept reading and reading and i think i felt better afterwards
but then again that night i wasnt feeling self destructive - just wierd - and i think it was 100% because i was tired as hell
but i read nearly half the book in spite of that
its a wonderful book
i ran across a part of it that i wanted tatooed on me - but i dont think so anymore - it would mean one very inspiring uplifting wonderful thing to me - and an opposite morbid hopeless thing to everyone else who didnt understand
i watched a bunch of movies in the past few days
on tv
and dvd
pieces of april - pretty good
the notebook - fine
american beauty - absolutely fabulous in every way as usual
stateside - good
i know i watched more but i dont remember what they were right now...
hmm
i need to walk down to that street with all the businesses on them and see where i want to work
i was in the middle of applying to hollywood video and im pretty sure they'd accept me but i dont know whether i want to work there or not
but i guess it doesnt matter much does it
im getting in a funny mood again
mostly i think because i know that im talking to myself
im such a recluse
this is why i need a job
not for money
not for experience
not for anything but human interaction
im loosing myself
im not living
LIVE DAMN YOU LIVE
oh i talked to avtar this morning - his parents called and said theyd talked to him just then and he was sitting by the phone with this number - i called it (with a calling card of course) and finally got thru - its so hot there and things are kinda messed up as usual for the first days there but he seems just fine - it was good to hear from him - hes getting his india cell on monday so he'll call me then
sigh
i need people
i feel so drained
i should go for a walk
but its sticky outside probably - thats why i want to take morning walks
but regardless of when i do it ill still be inside myself
oy
speaking of being inside myself...
this journal isnt helping much is it?
sigh
ima go do something
or nothing
whatever
maybe ill clean my room some more - no i wont - if i even start cleaning ill stop soon enough because theres something that reminds me of something or needs to be played with or stared at for a long time - ill just end up sitting on my floor for a few hours - or if i do stay moving and not get distracted ill get discouraged by how unorganized it all is - my ocd is selective...
sigh
double sigh...